ABL N00b Guide
These were created by Mike Kroner, Houstons owner on August 9th, 2005. They will be slightly revised in the future, but they are a good basic guide for anyone trying to become someone in this league.
The ABL is getting closer to expansion, and with an influx of “fresh meat”, the league looks to flourish in the off-season. Upcoming are the newly instituted and highly anticipated draft lottery and player creation draft. The newest members of the ABL are going to be very important to both of these events. It is the importance of these “noobs” as many of us call them, that I have taken it upon myself to develop, through careful consideration, the “Noob Handbook”. It contains the top 10 things that new members should know. Some are more important than others, but in no particular order….here we go:
1. BE ACTIVE- this right here is common fucking sense. There really isn’t much reason to even join this league if you’re not going to be active. It is the active members that are considered for ownership and coaching positions. It is the active members that improve their created players. Write articles, post on the board, try your hand at trivia, or even just chat with some of the current members. The more we see your name on the message boards, the better chance you’ll have of ascending into elite member status. Try to check the boards daily and show up at live events (even if you have nothing to do with them). It is by being active that you’ll learn the ins and outs of the American Baseball League. It is different from almost any league you have ever been apart of.
2. THERE ARE STUPID QUESTIONS- if you haven’t yet figured it out, we have a place on the message board entitled “Stupid Shit Said Section”. It is where the members like to post dumb ass conversations, encounters with morons, fucking ridiculous stories, and the like. As a new member, it should be your goal to never ever appear in this section of the message board as a topic of mental ineptitude. It’s alright to ask people questions, but it isn’t alright to ask questions that have already been answered or that are common god damn sense. There shouldn’t be questions on how to use instant messenger, on how to become a coach or an owner, or on something already stated in the rules page. When you were recruited, you were told to read the Rules page, a page that envelops almost every aspect of the ABL. If you ask a question to which the answer is found on that page, you will be ridiculed to the fullest extent of the members.
3. TIM IS AN ASSHOLE- it’s true god dammit, and you’ll soon find out why. Tim is our resident assholologist. He takes it upon himself to bring humor and glee into the everyday lives of league members by pointing out essentially, why people suck at life. If you make a mistake, he’ll point it out. If you talk out of place, he’ll point it out. If you’re a jew, wetback, spear chucker, guinea, chink, butt pirate, or any other individual with a derogatory ethnic, religious, or sexual slur that can be directed towards you, you can be sure he’ll say it, repeatedly, after almost every post you make. He will argue, bicker, and bitch until you become submissive to his unfounded ability to degrade and torment. Tim=Dick. Tim will continue to equal Dick until you gain what he calls respect. I suggest gaining that respect as quickly as possible, or else you will be subject to humiliating comments about your mother’s loose vagina.
4. LEARN OOTP- the only way to succeed in this league is to understand the ups and downs, ins and outs of the OOTP system. Not only will knowledge of OOTP make you a very sexy coaching candidate, it will also allow you to grasp better your created players. The added bonus of knowing OOTP is the avoidance of stupid questions, which will in turn, allow you to gain Tim’s respect much faster. See above as to why that’s a good thing. OOTP isn’t complicated. There are a lot of different areas to figure out. As a Noob, I suggest starting by understanding player pages. From there, it is important to figure out where links are that will lead to important areas, such as free agent lists, possible free agent candidates, league leader pages, and ratings reports. Knowing OOTP can make the difference between mediocrity, and superstardom.
5. COACHING IS IMPORTANT- one of the best ways to learn how things are done in this league is to coach. Not only do you get to learn from the tutelage of owners, but you also get hands on use with transaction forms and use of the site. Different forms of interaction with other owners, coaches, and the master of machismo himself, Jay, will lead you in a positive direction. Coaching, if done properly, will elevate your status in the league and in the best cases, leads to ownership.
6. KNOW SPORTS- it is inevitable that while reading the message board or talking to other members on aim that you’ll come into conversation about the goings on in the sporting world. From soccer, to lacrosse, to the little league World Series, this league also serves as a retreat for sports fanatics looking to talk to other sports fanatics. Too many times on the message boards we have found people posting how great the some team is solely because they are a hometown team. Back your shit up. Bring in stats, persuasive arguments, or just plain good ole trash talk. Talk smack on Detroit for blowing the NBA finals, or trash the Orioles for having both Raff and Slammin Sammy on their roster. Bring out obscure facts and interesting tidbits. It’s alright to voice your opinion on something, but only if you prove you have some knowledge of the subject. We don’t need to hear you say Tiger Woods is the best golfer in history if you can’t tell us who Jesper Parnevik, Colin Montgomery, or Sam Snead is.
7. JAY DOESN'T HAVE TIME- to sit around and baby-sit. Between soccer, classes, simming, and the misses, he doesn’t need us complicating shit for him. Not to mention early morning strolls with a man thong into the tampon aisle. But getting back on subject here, do what you’re supposed to do. If you say you’ll do an assignment, an article, send in a roster, or whatever, just come through and do it. Chances are most things you’ll be getting reward points for anyway, so why not do them? Give the big fella a break. Every once and a while he needs to time out to just sit back, get drunk and watch porn like any normal guy.
8. PICK YOU’RE BATTLES- you’ll all get into arguments with people on the message board. The key is to pick and choose your spots. It isn’t necessary to get into a huge fight over ever single god damn comment that offends you. Chances are, you’re gonna lose, and lose a lot until you get better acclimated. As you read through the message board, you should be able to figure out which people not to argue with. Finally, when you do decide it’s time for you to shine and to lay a verbal ass whooping, do it in style. Be creative and bust out trash so disrespectful, insulting, and funny that the person after you is gonna post an OWNED picture involving a fat lady and pants.
9. DON’T SPAM- there isn’t any reason to fill the board with useless posts just solely to run your post count up. You’ll get there eventually. Make your posts have meaning and don’t just make a post with a little smiley face in it. Add some oomph into your comments. Make them actually worth posting.
10. THE CAPTAIN WHACKY RULE- disappearing from existence for months at a time is frowned upon. If you’re going somewhere, or won’t be able to show up for an extended period of time, then post it, tell Jay, do something. Wondering whether or not someone needs to be replaced can become a major hassle. It’s one thing to have a family emergency and withdraw because you have actual important things to do. It’s another to be prick and just treat this as a yahoo public league. Don’t be a prick, consider the other members of the league when you’re making decisions and inform someone when you can’t do something or show up.
This is just a quick rundown of 10 of the most important things new members should know. Hopefully this cuts down on aggravation and useless questions. Remember, this league is for enjoyment and love of competition, not for 14 year olds to zip up their big boy pants.
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